by Don Sumpey
Conspiracy theories abound. Don Sumpey is here to give you the latest scoop on the real poop that plagues your tormented mind with endless what ifs and whose behind is the who behind we don’t know what or dare ask. If you learn nothing else in life remember this: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone isn’t harvesting matter from your toilet for black market fecal transplants. The connections revealed in today’s late breaking story have only recently been tied together by a vigilant and tireless network of one, relentlessly digging out the dirt they try to hide where the sun don’t shine. Read on and learn pilgrims. On October 9th, 2009, the unthinkable happened. The bane of Lon Chaney and werewolves of London, the illumination inspiring so many songs, prose and romance, our beloved orb of waxing and waning was assaulted by none other than NASA! According to the Huffington Post, NASA launched the LCROSS (Lunar CRater Observing and Sensing Satellite) mission, consisting of a Centaur rocket traveling at twice the speed of a bullet (that’s the same speed that Superman can fly, you ignorant Marvel-head) to bomb the moon. The Centaur rocket and an LRO (Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter) orbited the earth thrice, whereupon they proceeded to the moon. Whilst the Centaur rocket impacted the moon the LRO measured the amount of moon blood, if any, that spurted out. That’s the official story. 
But c’mon folks. Let’s use our heads here. First, if we needed to collect moon blood samples, why didn’t we just send up a Dixie cup with Neil Armstrong in 1969? And he LCROSS mission had a price of 79 million dollars. You could buy 79 million bottles of water for that price. That’s 263 bottles each for every NASA employee, or filling each of the 563 NASA water coolers 12 times. If you stacked up 79 million bottles of water, they would reach to the moon. Are any of these statistics relevant? Who knows? But for 79 million dollars you could buy the island of Fiji, never mind the Fiji Water Company. They can sell me a Moonpie now and again, but I’m not buying their moon water. As you will discover, their phony story is the only thing here that is all wet. Now lets connect some dots. …………………………………………………………………………….. Now lets connect some more. Dot 1: 2009 – Scientific American reports that last year, British scientists identified regions where water might be found on the moon and estimated that there could be enough to fill one of Europe’s largest reservoirs. Dot 2: 2013 – The Guardian reports US and British intelligence agencies have successfully cracked much of the online encryption relied upon by hundreds of millions of people to protect the privacy of their personal data, online transactions and emails, according to top-secret documents revealed by former contractor Edward Snowden. As you may have noticed, NSA is just NASA without an A. It should be obvious by now that what’s really going on here is a conspiracy involving intelligence gathering by the NSA and the Brits. The British don’t need to fill any reservoirs in Europe, but they sure as heck would like getting the skinny on the color of the queen’s knickers for their tabloids. That innocuous sounding little LRO was actually spying on everyone in the world and compiling data for three days to be stored on the moon. That’s right, the new NSA Data Center is somewhere deep in the Cabeus Crater, just a 7 iron away from the Apollo Lunar Module. With the addition of so much information to their already huge database, the NSA realized that their Utah Data Center (which has been cleverly disguised for years as a Genealogic Data Center for the Mormons) could not possibly contain this new data since their computers only store exabytes of information. Even with the added information from the LRO being collected and stored in mosquitobytes, (a numeric value that can only be comprehended by Floridians) a low gravity, low temperature storage facility was required in order to preserve the data properly. Now that this conspiracy has come to light I’m sure you’re asking yourself: what do I do? Nothing. That’s right, nothing. I know your first impulse will be to line your home with tin foil and wear an aluminum colander on your head at all times, but believe you me that’s exactly what they want you to do. They want you to freak out and look like an idiot. Not me. I’m playing it cool. The next time I have a thought I don’t want the government to know about or I need to send an email I’m going to go to the nearest convenience store, place my laptop on the microwave, pop in a Moonpie and set the timer for 30 seconds. Remember, that’s 30 seconds! (Moonpie is a registered trademark of the Chattanooga Bakery Company and boy, oh boy, are they good with an RC Cola!) Join us next time when Don answers questions sent in by his readers.
“Conspiracy Nut” by flickr user Paradigm, used under CC BY 2.0 /face blurred
“blood moon,” by torley, used under CC BY-SA 2.0