by Dan Dickhaus
I was watching a PBS show the other night on the subject of global warming. I know that this is not the best use of my time since I am missing out on the true value of TV, which is of course the commercials, but like most people, I cannot always resist the allure of informative programming. I am sorry to admit that I even learned something. Apparently, if global warming heats things up enough, south Florida will cease to exist. I do have bad news though: I could have saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico, but I was watching PBS and missed the commercial.
image by petsadviser.com
Anyway, about global warming. I have done my own research in order to determine the validity of the theory that the Earth is actually getting warmer and I have concluded that: it is. Of course since my taxes have been spent funding studies such as those on the sex lives of squirrels in Africa(1), I don’t have nearly the resources that real scientists enjoy, so I saved time and money by consulting my Trinitarian deity of choice for all truth and knowledge: www. Not being a rocket scientist, I know nothing about jet propulsion; however, I can conclude that since there were once woolly mammoths on ice(2) and since there are no longer woolly mammoths and not nearly as much ice as there used to be, the earth must have gotten warmer.
Now to the next question, namely, the cause of the continued warming of the globe. Of course, the conventional wisdom from most scientists is that fossil fuels are to blame, and I must admit that initially, I too was convinced that this was the case. My theory was as follows:
Given that we’re fueling our world with the old dinosaur world is it any wonder that the climate would go back to the way it was when the dinosaurs were living?
Once, dinosaurs roamed the earth in great numbers in a hot, humid environment full of lush vegetation and plentiful water. Then, that damned asteroid hit the earth which resulted in dinosaurs and vegetation evolving into wooly mammoths and ice. Now we are using what’s left of the dinosaurs and vegetation to fuel our trips to Wal-mart at about three dollars a gallon. Given that we’re fueling our world with the old dinosaur world is it any wonder that the climate would go back to the way it was when the dinosaurs were living? Duh!
The only problem with this theory was trying to figure out what caused the global warming that ended the ice age. I know what you’re thinking, and I thought the same thing: wooly mammoth flatulence. But it turns out that during the Ice Age there weren’t even any beans to eat, and in any case, the wooly mammoth populations never attained numbers sufficient to support this premise. This would only leave the possibility that some outside force was acting on the earth’s climate, maybe a higher being, creator, maybe whoever threw that damned asteroid at us.
But that’s another discussion; for now I will give you the results of my research which explain the current global warming phenomenon. For those of you who are scientifically or mathematically oriented, this will go right under your head; however, those of you who are as blissfully ignorant as I am of math formulas will appreciate the elegance of the following equation which describes the theory: (s+$)2x/easy=gw.
So as you can see from the equation above global warming is inversely proportional(3) to the square of x over easy, which if it meant anything at all would tell you that one of the major contributors to global warming is the concerted effort to determine whether or not global warming is actually occurring. Or to put it simply: scientists plus money equals global warming.
I couldn’t resist calculating the BTU’s used by a space shuttle mission—I worked it out to 100 decimal places but it’s basically a bazillion!
I carefully collected data from reliable unnamed sources which confirm that the earth is actually getting warmer as scientists expend energy to support their theory that the earth is getting warmer. Just think about it for a minute: instead of lying in a hammock somewhere in Africa taking notes on how squirrels “do it,” some scientist is firing up a nuclear powered electron quantum halogen micro-oscilloscope somewhere in order to listen to the light of a star that died 4 billion light years ago so he can calculate the residual amount of Boron 256 in the upper atmosphere which will allow him to measure the quantity of ozone loss in any given part of the sky over Antarctica (never mind the juice that espresso machine in his lab uses). And what about those super computers they use to crunch numbers for their calculations? Those babies run so hot, they have to cool them with liquid nitrogen. And you just know that those scientific nerd types waste a lot of time using them to play Star Wars video games at hyper-speed. And with all the whining in the scientific community about the internal combustion engines being the culprit, I couldn’t resist calculating the BTU’s used by a space shuttle mission—I worked it out to 100 decimal places but it’s basically a bazillion! That’s like driving 1 million Humvees to Mars and back 10,000 times!
Of course there are some that will think that my research is skewed by a bias based on a conspiracy theory that the scientists of the world would deflect their responsibility for causing global warming by simultaneously creating a lucrative business in endless research and blaming the vast majority of SUV owners who have no choice but to drive this type of vehicle because the only way to get to work on time is to avoid the interstate and go cross country. Finally, I realize that many readers are suspicious of my data since I don’t have conventional credentials behind my name like Ph.D. In fact, I would have a Ph.D. behind my name but I don’t want to let any of those free address labels they sent me in the mail without Ph.D. go to waste.
In conclusion, I would appeal to your own sense of logic with the tried and true maxim, “The proof is in the pudding.”
1. Presumably so that we can formulate a sex therapy strategy in order to help our dwindling population of North American squirrels
2. hey, wouldn’t that be a great name for a drink?
3. Just ignore this phrase. I heard it once somewhere and thought it sounded impressive but I have no idea what it means.
This article has been reprinted from Grub Street Grackle, Vol. 1, No. 4.